4 am

My body hasn't moved for hours. It feels paralyzed and estranged. Could I move now if I wanted to? A heavy weight lingers on my chest. I stare at the blackness of the night and doubt that it will be repainted in the morning.

Not just my body, time has frozen, too. It's been standing still for hours. For ever? I can hear the sound of a clock. Tic Tac, Tic Tac, Tic Tac... Never getting out of pace...It is as if "Tic" has always been followed by "Tac". And "Tac" by "Tic". And "Tic" by "Tac". A dreadful song of Togetherness is being sung...And my heart desperately tries to beat in pace with this rhythm.

Have I gone mad?

But then: Relief. I am being held by the morning light. Yet, I am not shedding any tears, grateful to be alive. Instead, I'm going back to sleep, knowing that once the alarm rings, everyone looks up at the same sky.

photo source

time to recharge

A small village on finest sand. A sunny place drowned in reed and purple fields. A place of millions of birds in motion. A place of wild horses with a sad fate and cattle that like to bathe in the Black Sea. A place of warm greetings from strangers. A place of occasional silent boats in an architecture of river channels that local fishermen know like the back of their palms. A place of the most dramatic cloud formations, sunrises and sunsets. A place so far from the rest of the world that it can only be reached on a ship on certain days of the week.

I'll be heading home, to the place that has been holding my heart for years: Sf. Gheorghe in the Danube Delta.

perspectives

Photo by gzi24◎歌無岸

We all share the same eyes. And we struggle, have desires and obsessions and anxieties and insecurities.

And we are sad and/or desperate and live

from one day to the other.

Or, if not, we kid ourselves and die

with the illusion that there must have been a reason.

And in the end, what is it all for? When we are honest to ourselves, we all miss seeing through the eyes of the child we once were. Why did we have to trade them?

no idea

As a kid, I have always heard people giving me pieces of advice, tell me ultimate truths of life. And I accepted these words of wisdom, tried very hard to keep them in mind. And even though I tried to rationally grasp the meaning of those words, I knew that there must be a deeper essence within them, one I would only be able to understand through my own experience.

And yet, there was one exception. We were in our final year of high school, studying for the final exams and for the entrance exams at the uni. Everyone was extremely tired and stressed out. I can't remeber the narrow context of my teacher's confession. I remeber she was talking to one student while everyone else was listening and then she said to the whole class:

"If you are terrified by the possibility of failing this exam, you have no idea of the proportions of the hardships of life."

She took her time finishing the sentence, stessing the "you have no idea" part. Her tone was crushingly honest and she was smiling while she said it, the type of smile that says: "And I should know." Her statement robbed us completely and instantly, with only one sentence, of both our fear and the only standard we had ever had for hardship. A heavy burden was lifted but a heavier one had been dropped. This was the only time the meaning of another person's words had a major impact on me, whithout me having any experiential basis for them.

Thanks, Ms. R. for teaching me perspective.

2011

photograph by Luka Yang

2011 is my opportunity to finally advance by choosing either left or right instead of insisting on walking straight when this is not possible.

It is a big puzzle to me how different my perspective at the end of 2009 was, compared to this year. Because, objectively, nothing much happened in 2010 to justify such a big difference. At the end of 2009 I was extremely tired, had few future perspectives and even less energy to implement any measures to change anything. I could even barely come up with a sane resolution for 2010. The end of this year is confusing as ever but at least now I am looking towards 2011 with positive energy and faith in change and finding long lost balance.

But with all my positive attitude towards change this year, one of the biggest of 2011 has imposed itself on me without me having anything to say about it. A certain family issue will force me to go through a major transition in terms of becoming more tolerant, selfless and responsible. It is a huge challenge for someone who has a reputation for being none of the above. But I have a strong feeling that if I don't get it right this time, I might not get another chance. Maybe it'll be my final graduation.

With respect to another issue that has been burdening me, 2011 seems less promising. The battle between old and new has yet to be settled.

snow

photograph by Eden Lee

I have arrived home a few days ago. Finally, it is snowing heavily around here. I am anticipating the sound of a shovel being scraped across the pavement in the morning and that makes me happy. I've heard it other places, but the echo is never quite the same as in the interior yard of our apartment block.

memories

photograph by Angus柒

I miss the mixed smell of leather impregnated with Lucky Strike smoke and intoxicating tusche. I miss the orange lemonade and the white cherry and green nut sweets. I miss listening to Willie Nelson and drinking coke from a coffee mug.

re-formatting

photograph by changer

Strong winds make my steps hesitant, the fog renders my way uncertain. For the first time, I feel tempted to give in to a reasonable (what an awful word!) offer. A strong set of old-fashioned values and ideals is threatened, now (finally?).

Reason says go the new way. But my old way is of a brilliance and purity that few will ever have the privilege of knowing. Not one argument against the new way. But my old way is frail and weeping anticipating betrayal. Which way will I turn? Convert? Reformat?

Either way, a storm is ahead.

online, offline

photograph by RICENZ

"Jellyfish, are you Spanish?"

"How did you end up in Shanghai?"

"I could swear you were Chinese. Even your picture looks Chinese!"

"How's the weather like in Portugal?"

"I don't know why, but I was sure you were from Hong Kong!"

And it is not just my nationality, my occupation sparks a great deal of dicussion as well. I have to explain my interests, my CV, my choices, and to be honest, I haven't even thought of cool answers for those questions. In one picture and a timelines, people project whatever they want to see. So I realized that Jellyfish only exists for everyone as they want her to be. Because of these expectations, I find it hard to meet up with people offline or chat with them (for example for interviews).

I can't say I am bothered, but I do feel a strange vibe everytime I have to correct/contradict people. It is not what they wanted to hear, this does not fit in the picture they have made of Jellyfish. To some extent maybe they feel tricked. Then I often have to justify and excuse myself. Luckily, most people are very nice and kind, they recover quickly after the first seconds of confusion, are open minded and warm. But I know that from then on, to them I stop being Jellyfish.

direction long lost

photograph by Lihan Lin

...and going wherever I am taken.

of mothers and sons

She's always been an airheaded lady but quite adorable in her own way. She never stayed long for a visit, after all, time was short and she had a dozen small things to take care of. Never tiring she ran around all day, like a whirlwind, carrying bags from here to there, her hair in a mess, her coat tied at the wrong buttons.

With age she became increasingly dependent. And forgetful, but considering her characteristic fuzziness, that never seemed particularly peculiar. She misplaced things and failed to find them, she needed help with transportation, fixing things around the house. She started calling several times a day sharing the same story over and over again. When confronted with her own disorientation, she remained annoyingly stubborn, refusing to admit her own weakness. And when she was exposed, she always covered it with an indulgent smile.

Today she failed the clock test. It shouldn't matter anymore whether she is strategically faking or not. It shouldn't matter that the tone of her voice sounds like that of a spoilt child. It shouldn't matter that you have to check up on her several times a day, that she embarasses you in public, that you have to pay for her medicine and mend her mistakes. It doesn't matter whether, considering your common history, she deserves your loyalty or not. Does it?

photo by Yuan Xiaopeng

related posts: Maira Kalman & Phillip Toledano's "Days With My Father"

your duty

RT @reese: "You have a duty to your potential as a human being. The world craves what you have to offer it."

I really love the first part of this statement. It has (at least to me) a strong motivational quality. Anything else would be irresponsibly making a mock of yourself, it would irreversibly lead to old age filled with bitterness and regret.

But I disagree with the second part of the tweet. Frankly, the world doesn't give a s***. The only person you have to impress, you have to like, love, to come to terms with is you yourself. What "the world" may or may not do does not lie in your power and is therefore irrelevant.

Never do anything because anybody wants or expects you to. But it IS your resonsibility to yourself to try your best in everything you are doing now.

why do i work the way i work?

Today was a terribly good day: I worked with few distractions, managed to be productive and am very content of the result. Let's hope tomorrow (maybe the next month?) will be the same!

The problem is, you see, I am working to introduce an intern to some analyses we are doing. Not only is it unrelated to my actual work, but it's also rather voluntary. And yet, I am compiling information, running analyses and writing a tutorial so I can be best prepared on monday and help the poor fella understand something which took me years to grasp. And it did not take me so long to understand it, because it was too difficult. Rather, it's something I ignored for a long time, because there has always been a way around it. In fact, for years now, people have been programming scripts to run these analyses automatically and as long as you have the skills or know someone who can write one for you, there is no reason to invest that much time in understanding the mechanics behind it (after all there are tons of other relevant stuff to do).

So, in the end, the tutorial I have written will never be of any use to anyone. Maybe only for demonstration purposes for interns? But whenever the interns will actually start analyzing, they will use the automatized script files.

I think this attitude of mine that became evident during the last few days pretty much explains a lot of things in my life. No, I'm not excessiveley kind or diligent or anything. I just seem to be doing small things for the sake of getting them done. I am certain it's not productive on the long run, but something deep inside me tells me "you did a good job". Maybe it's just a way of deceiving myself. Or maybe not. Maybe that's what actually matters to me. We are our sole constant companions and in the end, when we are old, it is still ourselves that we will be stuck with.

photo by ppimm

Update: 23.10.2013
Years later, interns and students still come to me and thank me for my tutorials. Thank you time, for proving my point ;) 

the journey

The anticipation of two wonderful weeks in the U.S. catapults my work motivation on levels so high, I never thought they existed!

It will be my first time in the U.S.: a real adventure. More than anything, it's an opportunity to meet new people and allow myself to be permeated by their ideas and enthusiasm. There is no greater energy for me than that of other people. It will also be a time where I'll work on the project closest to my interest.

And it's the promise of a turning point in my way of thinking, an opportunity to perceive life differently. What will happen after I return? Will I have recovered my confidence in myself and the passion to keep me motivated? Will I come back less resentful, more understanding and at peace?

It almost feels like planning one of those spiritual journeys, where one undergoes purification and returns completely changed. Haha, it's actually nothing like that, and it involves intensive work and developing group dynamics. But most importantly, it's two weeks devoid of any of the harmful factors that usually consume and influence me on a regular basis. It's a blank new piece of paper for my own self to express itself on neutral grounds.

I wonder what I'll feel like when I am going to read this post after I return. May my hopes and expectations be fulfilled.

photos by Aegea

work

Through @reese I have come across this wonderful quote from 37signals' book "Rework" :

"You want to feel that if you stopped doing what you do, people would notice."

Basically it suggests that one needs to feel that one's work is needed, helpful and that it makes a difference, that one's efforts are valuable and appreciated. This is the most important driving force behind motivated work.

And this is not just a motto I believe everyone who needs to supervise a group should try to apply when it comes to motivating individuals or teams. It's a question we might as well just ask ouselves, while we're at it. And if the answer is not satifying, we need to change either the line of work, or the "client" ;-)

absolute nobody

Last Wednesday J.D.Salinger (91) passed away and I decided to finally give The Catcherthe re-read I was planning to. I have also rediscovered this wonderful quote from "Franny and Zooey":

"I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody."

Most people are afraid to live with themselves as absolute nobodies. That is why they try so hard to belong somewhere, to be recognized, appreciated, approved, accepted etc. That is why they end up "conditioned to accept everybody else's values" and giving themselves away.

And I say that I have rediscovered it, because at the time when I actually read "Franny and Zooey" I must have been too young to understand and hence must have overseen it. Or I must have thought it was just some pretentious talk coming from a pretentious character of a pretentious book.

But now I see things in a different light. And it is through the power of books that I understood that being an absolute nobody need not have negative connotations. Books like The Catcher, that have absolute nobodies as protagonists - characters that we all eventually come to love and admire despite (or maybe because of?) their inability or unwillingness to adapt. Being an absolute nobody actually means being authentic. And it does take a lot of courage to not be anybody (else).

P.S.: And I believe it's the word "absolute" that makes the whole concept so intriguing: You see, being an "absolute" (not "relative"!) nobody, means by definition that a person's condition cannot be judged by or measured against common standards.

and action!

"What are you waiting for?", she asked.

"Well, I am waiting for the movie to start", I replied.

"But the movie has aaaalready started!", she cried in an enthusiastic voice. It seemed to me like every pore in her body was passionately urging me to look closely, as the answer was right there in front of me. "You still don't realize that, do you..." she continued in an almost affirmative tone, and I could sense that all her enthusiasm had suddenly dried out. Not because she had realized that I wasn't able to follow, but because she realized that she would not be the one to open my eyes.

"I feel like I am on stand-by", I said, and thought I had given an extremely witty answer.

and say o.k.

by Maira Kalman (via WeAreTheDigitalKids)

despite. even though.

I help because I can (afford it). But would I help otherwise? This question makes me think about who I am. It might be a trivial thought, but I could never understand and express it clearly up to now:

Most of the times we perceive any helping hand as a true blessing, especially when it comes unasked or during tough times, when we need it most. But I believe that an important distinction needs to be made here: A helping act can only be called genuinely kind, when it involves some kind of effort or sacrifice from the helper*. In my opinion (although I might be wrong), genuine kindness has got nothing to do with friendship or love, but with a certain character type. This means that friends, even though they love us, might never be able to help genuinely kind. But there might well be strangers who would: A genuinely kind helping hand might come from anywhere and even from people we expect it least from.

I will always be thankful for any help, but from now on, I will definetely notice and cherish the genuinely kind helping hands most. The ones that come from people who help despite the fact that they cannot afford it. Even though it's not convenient for them.

*Genuine kindness might be in danger of extinction (if we think of it from an evolutionary perspective, genuine kindness, as I have defined it, is absurd).

precious things

"After all, the most precious things in life are found by searching."

I have recently read this comment on the internet and it made me smile. No matter how I think of it: it's true. And it goes for people, places, feelings, ideas, things.

Many times in our lives we are offered precious things, but we fail to acknowledge their worth because we haven't been needing and searching for them. We first realize something is precious only after we have experienced its (potential) absence. Because if it's not there, one needs to look for it or for a substitute. The mere fact of looking for something, makes one realize how indispensable it is for satisfying one's needs. A bit intrigued, I'm really looking for an exception for this rule. I guess, after all, the most precious things, are found by searching ;)