perspectives

Photo by gzi24◎歌無岸

We all share the same eyes. And we struggle, have desires and obsessions and anxieties and insecurities.

And we are sad and/or desperate and live

from one day to the other.

Or, if not, we kid ourselves and die

with the illusion that there must have been a reason.

And in the end, what is it all for? When we are honest to ourselves, we all miss seeing through the eyes of the child we once were. Why did we have to trade them?

2011

photograph by Luka Yang

2011 is my opportunity to finally advance by choosing either left or right instead of insisting on walking straight when this is not possible.

It is a big puzzle to me how different my perspective at the end of 2009 was, compared to this year. Because, objectively, nothing much happened in 2010 to justify such a big difference. At the end of 2009 I was extremely tired, had few future perspectives and even less energy to implement any measures to change anything. I could even barely come up with a sane resolution for 2010. The end of this year is confusing as ever but at least now I am looking towards 2011 with positive energy and faith in change and finding long lost balance.

But with all my positive attitude towards change this year, one of the biggest of 2011 has imposed itself on me without me having anything to say about it. A certain family issue will force me to go through a major transition in terms of becoming more tolerant, selfless and responsible. It is a huge challenge for someone who has a reputation for being none of the above. But I have a strong feeling that if I don't get it right this time, I might not get another chance. Maybe it'll be my final graduation.

With respect to another issue that has been burdening me, 2011 seems less promising. The battle between old and new has yet to be settled.

snow

photograph by Eden Lee

I have arrived home a few days ago. Finally, it is snowing heavily around here. I am anticipating the sound of a shovel being scraped across the pavement in the morning and that makes me happy. I've heard it other places, but the echo is never quite the same as in the interior yard of our apartment block.

re-formatting

photograph by changer

Strong winds make my steps hesitant, the fog renders my way uncertain. For the first time, I feel tempted to give in to a reasonable (what an awful word!) offer. A strong set of old-fashioned values and ideals is threatened, now (finally?).

Reason says go the new way. But my old way is of a brilliance and purity that few will ever have the privilege of knowing. Not one argument against the new way. But my old way is frail and weeping anticipating betrayal. Which way will I turn? Convert? Reformat?

Either way, a storm is ahead.

online, offline

photograph by RICENZ

"Jellyfish, are you Spanish?"

"How did you end up in Shanghai?"

"I could swear you were Chinese. Even your picture looks Chinese!"

"How's the weather like in Portugal?"

"I don't know why, but I was sure you were from Hong Kong!"

And it is not just my nationality, my occupation sparks a great deal of dicussion as well. I have to explain my interests, my CV, my choices, and to be honest, I haven't even thought of cool answers for those questions. In one picture and a timelines, people project whatever they want to see. So I realized that Jellyfish only exists for everyone as they want her to be. Because of these expectations, I find it hard to meet up with people offline or chat with them (for example for interviews).

I can't say I am bothered, but I do feel a strange vibe everytime I have to correct/contradict people. It is not what they wanted to hear, this does not fit in the picture they have made of Jellyfish. To some extent maybe they feel tricked. Then I often have to justify and excuse myself. Luckily, most people are very nice and kind, they recover quickly after the first seconds of confusion, are open minded and warm. But I know that from then on, to them I stop being Jellyfish.

dream of pink and a bit of blue

I fell in love with this shot by Chinese photographer Seatory: the pose, the pink of the room, the dress and the curtain, and even the blue of the mask has a correspondent in the tiny hair tie. My favourite however are the blueish and pinkish color reflections in the hair...superb!

the journey

The anticipation of two wonderful weeks in the U.S. catapults my work motivation on levels so high, I never thought they existed!

It will be my first time in the U.S.: a real adventure. More than anything, it's an opportunity to meet new people and allow myself to be permeated by their ideas and enthusiasm. There is no greater energy for me than that of other people. It will also be a time where I'll work on the project closest to my interest.

And it's the promise of a turning point in my way of thinking, an opportunity to perceive life differently. What will happen after I return? Will I have recovered my confidence in myself and the passion to keep me motivated? Will I come back less resentful, more understanding and at peace?

It almost feels like planning one of those spiritual journeys, where one undergoes purification and returns completely changed. Haha, it's actually nothing like that, and it involves intensive work and developing group dynamics. But most importantly, it's two weeks devoid of any of the harmful factors that usually consume and influence me on a regular basis. It's a blank new piece of paper for my own self to express itself on neutral grounds.

I wonder what I'll feel like when I am going to read this post after I return. May my hopes and expectations be fulfilled.

photos by Aegea